


Please Don't Let Me Go (I Desperately Need You)

by GeekLover



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Closeted Character, Cuddling & Snuggling, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-01
Updated: 2014-12-01
Packaged: 2018-02-27 17:09:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2700764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeekLover/pseuds/GeekLover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Why can't I stop? Why can't I just stop loving him?" Arthur's world is rocked when he overhears Merlin's confession of love. In his heart, Arthur knows what he needs to do. He's just not sure if he's brave enough to do it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please Don't Let Me Go (I Desperately Need You)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ArgentSleeper](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArgentSleeper/gifts).



> Happy holidays, ArgentSleeper! I hope you enjoy this story! I included as many of your preferred tags as I could.

For the umpteenth time, Arthur sighed and grunted a non-response and for the umpteenth time Vivian continued to prattle on. He was fairly certain one of the reasons he’d broken up with her was to avoid these situations, but Vivian never knew when to let go. 

Arthur sincerely hoped that this was not a preview for how this evening would turn out. Pendragon Limited’s holiday parties were hell to get through on their own without adding awkward run-ins with your ex. He did have a plan in place to avoid that situation, but considering his so-called best friend, and Vivian buffer for the party, Merlin had yet to show up, it looked like that plan would be a bust.

Arthur swore he would throttle Merlin when he finally deigned to grace him with his presence. 

After hearing another beep on his phone - Gwen was calling for the third time - Arthur decided enough was enough. “Vivian…?”

“...I swear it’s like you’re not even listening…”

“Vivian?” Arthur repeated as he rolled his eyes.

“What?” Vivian squawked in a highly annoyed tone.

“Vivian...I can’t....you’re…” Arthur closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose as he actually resorted to making fake static noises to simulate his phone breaking up. It was a highly juvenile fix, but Vivian tended to bring that side out in him.

“Arthur, don’t even try…”

“I can’t-” He finally hung up on her. He exhaled loudly, relieved to be rid of Vivian, but soon gasped when his phone vibrated again.

“Why can’t you just…” He looked down at his phone was relieved when he saw it was Gwen calling again. He didn’t stop to wonder why she was so insistent on reaching him when he answered. “Thank God, it’s you. I wonder if I’m going to have to start thinking about getting that restraining order against Vivian.”

Gwen sighed in exasperation. “Arthur, I really don’t have time to talk to you about your horrible taste in women.”

“Says one of my ex-girlfriends.” Arthur could easily picture the death glare Gwen was probably giving him right now. “Is Merlin there? Because if you see him you can tell him that he’s about to lose the best friend he’s ever had if he doesn’t get his arse down here. I’m not going to this party alone.”

“Damn!” Gwen exclaimed.

“What’s wrong?” The distress in her voice surprised and alarmed him.

“I was hoping you would know where Merlin was.” Gwen explained. 

Arthur stood up and tried to keep calm. There was no reason to panic just yet, though it sounded like Gwen clearly didn’t agree. “When was the last time you saw him?”

“A couple of hours. Normally, I wouldn’t be worried but he’s been gutted all day, which makes sense given what today is, but there seemed to be something more to it.”

“What do you think is upsetting him today?” Arthur was starting to feel bad for focusing on his problems and not paying more attention to Merlin. He wished he could say that kind of obtuse behavior was uncommon for him, especially when it came to Merlin, but that would be a lie.

Gwen sputtered for a moment. “You’re not serious?”

Even though Gwen couldn’t see it, Arthur shrugged. “Did I say something odd?”

“Arthur...you know what today is.” Gwen started.

“Three days before Christmas. I know the holidays can be stressful, but Merlin’s always loved this time of year.”

“Yes, he used to, but not anymore.” Gwen said somewhat cryptically. “Not for four years, not since…”

“Oh, God.” Arthur’s stomach churned and he felt like the most selfish fool on the planet. How could he have forgotten? It was one of the worst days of his life, but more importantly, the worst day in Merlin’s life. He wiped his hand slowly down his face. He may have been busy lately, but it still shocked him that the date could have slipped his mind. “I’ve been bombarding Merlin with my stupid issues with Vivian when he’s been dealing with the anniversary of his mother’s death.”

“I’m sure Merlin understands.” Gwen said. She quickly turned from being annoyed with Arthur to sounding sympathetic. Gwen was a lot like Merlin - so sweet and always willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. “You know he doesn’t really like to talk much about it.”

That was true. But even though Merlin didn’t talk about it much, Arthur knew the monumental hole Hunith’s death left in Merlin’s life. Merlin didn’t make a point of marking the anniversary of Hunith’s death, but clearly something was different this year.

“Do you think he’s at the cemetery?” Arthur asked.

Gwen mulled this over. “I don’t know. But I don’t think so. He wouldn’t go there like this. The weather is horrible out there and I saw him when he left. He didn’t have an umbrella. He didn’t have a jacket.”

Arthur nodded slowly. He hoped Gwen was right. He didn’t want to think that Merlin would jeopardize his health, but he didn’t think the weather would have even entered Merlin’s mind and Arthur really couldn’t blame him.

The need to find any connection to his mother was something Arthur knew all too well. Arthur’s own mother, who had died soon after he was born, had been cremated. Uther had her ashes spread so Arthur had no grave to visit. But when he was a child he found himself drawn to his mother’s old garden. He felt close to her there and he would find himself speaking out loud, as if she could really hear him. 

Merlin had been so close to his mother that Arthur knew if Merlin needed her, he would find a way to be close to her, it wouldn’t have mattered if it was raining fire outside.

Arthur promised Gwen that he would find Merlin and hung up the phone. He hurriedly left his flat and drove the fifteen minutes to the Camelot cemetery. Gwen wasn’t exaggerating when she said it was ugly out there. At certain points the sleet was coming down so hard, Arthur could barely see out his windshield and it was freezing. If Merlin was outside in this weather, Arthur shuddered to think of the consequences.

When he got to the cemetery, he grabbed his umbrella out of his car and hurriedly got out and walked past the open iron gate. Thankfully, the sleet had lessened and while still not ideal weather, Arthur could at least see where he was going. 

Hunith was buried toward the back in the corner of the cemetery. Arthur had only been there twice before, but he knew he could easily find it. If it weren’t for the open front gate, Arthur would think the place was deserted. There was no one else around and, other than the sound of the sleet hitting the tombstones, it was eerily quiet. 

Arthur stopped when he finally spotted one of the saddest images he’d ever seen. Merlin was sat on the ground next to Hunith’s headstone. He was shivering so badly, Arthur was surprised he couldn’t feel the vibrations through his feet. It seemed that Merlin had been dressed for the party. His only form of protection against the horrid weather was thin black suit jacket. He had it tightly wrapped against his chest as he huddled against the Hunith’s grey headstone, his back to Arthur.

Arthur gripped the umbrella handle tighter and grimaced. He could understand Merlin being sad and needing to see Hunith, on this day of all days, but to do it so recklessly wasn’t like Merlin at all. As Arthur marched forward, he wasn’t sure if he would hug Merlin first, or swat him on the back of the head.

“...I wonder if he’s left the house yet.”

He could make out - apart from Merlin’s teeth chattering - that Merlin was actually talking out loud. When Arthur heard his name, he paused.

“Arthur’s probably going to want to box my ears pretty good if he’s at the party and he can’t get away from Vivian.” Merlin chuckled.

Well, Merlin was finally right about something, Arthur thought bitterly. His predicament with Vivian wasn’t amusing in the slightest.

“I know it’s a bit horrible to say, but it would probably serve him right.” Merlin shook his head and leaned his head against the stone. “I’m tired of having to shield Arthur from his bad choices.”

Arthur was surprised - and hurt - by the exasperated resignation in Merlin’s voice. He knew that Merlin tended to chide him on some of his choices, especially when it came to his personal life. Sometimes it was in seriousness, but it was mostly fun teasing, though apparently maybe it was more serious than Arthur had thought.

He realized he was standing in the middle of the row of headstones and if Merlin turned his head he would spot him immediately. He ducked behind a nearby stone and hoped that would block Merlin’s view.

Arthur didn’t know what he was doing. He needed to get Merlin out of this horrible weather. He really shouldn’t be listening to a private conversation between Merlin and his mother, but Arthur couldn’t help but wanting to hear more. Apparently, this might be the only way to actually hear Merlin’s true opinion of him.

“Everyone told him taking up with Vivian was a bad idea, but of course pig-headed Arthur wouldn’t listen. And it’s not about me being jealous-”

Jealous? Arthur head perked up briefly. Why would Merlin be jealous? He supposed maybe Merlin was upset about all the time Arthur had spent with Vivian and had missed his friend.

“Arthur has dated so many wonderful girls - I still can’t believe he let Gwen slip through his fingers.” Merlin grumbled.

Arthur just rolled his eyes at that. Merlin constantly liked to tease him about ending his relationship with Gwen. Arthur knew it wasn’t serious since they both knew she was better off with Lance.

“I don’t understand why he was with Vivian. It seemed like his brain was screaming out in pain every time she spoke.” Merlin stopped and looked down.

Arthur could see that Merlin tried to tighten the jacket around him, but it was stretched as far as it could go.

“But now he’s free of her and...it should be a good thing. It should be good.” Merlin took a deep breath. “I think I hate when he’s not with someone, more than when he is. When he’s with someone else, I can say to myself ‘It’s not my fault. There’s nothing else I can do. But when he’s single, there’s nothing standing in my way but me. And I’m too much of a coward to tell him how I feel.”

Arthur practically collapsed against the stone he was leaning against. His knees dug into the cold, damp earth as he raised himself up and leaned forward. He knew Merlin could possibly spot him, but he didn’t care. He had to make sure and hear this.

Merlin looked up at the sky. “I don’t know why I feel like this. And honestly, I wish it would just stop.” He put his hand flat against the stone tablet right where his mother’s name was. “Mum...why can’t I stop? Why can’t I stop loving him?”

Arthur’s mouth fell open but no sound came out. He clung to the headstone for dear life. He wasn’t sure what knocked the wind out of him more - Merlin’s confession of love or the deep anguish in Merlin’s voice.

“And I know this is going to sound weird, mum, but I feel like I’m letting you down.” Merlin brought his legs up and leaned forward and wrapped his arms around them. “You were the strongest person I knew. You always told me it was important to stand up and fight for what I want. But I just don’t know how to fight for Arthur. I’m really afraid of ruining our friendship. And…”

Merlin paused for such a long time that Arthur started to stand up. He wasn’t sure of Merlin was overcome with emotion or if the weather was finally too much for him.

Arthur sat down when Merlin inhaled deeply. 

“I don’t if I’m good enough for him.”

Arthur let out a noise - between a snort and gasp - and had to cover his mouth quickly. He ducked but thankfully Merlin didn’t seem to hear him.

He didn’t understand how Merlin could possibly think he wasn’t good enough for him. Even though it was mostly teasing, Merlin had chided Arthur enough times about his over inflated ego that it never occurred to Arthur that Merlin thought that highly of him. Merlin was one of the most humble people Arthur knew, but he didn’t think he was suffering from any self-esteem issues.

“The funny thing is that I think Arthur would be the first person to tell me how wrong I am.” Merlin continued. “He likes to put on this image that he’s above it all and that he’s incredibly arrogant, but that’s not really him. He doesn’t see himself the way I do. He has such a good heart and he can be so thoughtful. I don’t know why he tries to hide it.”

Arthur couldn’t help but smile. This certainly turned out much differently than it started. 

“You always saw that side of him.” Merlin said. He sounded wistful and sad. “And you always let him know how good he could be. I should tell him, too. But instead I play along and I tease him about his swelled head and what a wanker he is.” Merlin sniffed. “This is the way it’s always been with us. And I love how we are. I love making him laugh despite himself. It’s just sometimes the banter and the insults hurt because I wonder if that’s all it’ll ever be.”

Despite how much he loved getting such insight into how Merlin felt about him, Arthur was starting to feel uncomfortable. It felt like reading Merlin’s journal. No matter how much he needed to hear these things, Merlin’s obvious distress tore at Arthur’s heart.

“I want more, mum.” Merlin’s voice became choked up. “I don’t know what to do, mum.” Merlin rested his head against the grey stone. “I need you to tell me what to do. Mum, I just...I need you. I miss you so much.”

Hearing Merlin begin to cry was more than enough for Arthur. He stood up unsteadily and sniffed loudly to keep the tears at bay. He marched over and made sure to make some noise as he went. 

Merlin turned his head. When he saw Arthur standing there, he tried to get up but was having trouble. “A-A-Arthur?” His teeth chattered as he wiped at his eyes. 

Arthur thought it might be more than the cold that had Merlin’s cheek stained red. His eyes were bugged out and he just stared at Arthur as he helped lift Merlin up.

“How long have you been here?”

Arthur could hear the unasked question, “what did you hear,” but he didn’t know what to say. It was on the tip of his tongue to call Merlin an idiot, but after Merlin’s comments about the insults, Arthur thought better of it. “Come on.”

“What are you doing here?” Merlin asked as Arthur put his arm around him and started to lead him out of the cemetery.

“Gwen was worried about you...we both were. I realized this might be where you were.” Arthur sighed deeply. “I’m sorry that I forgot about what day it was.”

Merlin shook his head. He still looked nervous and was shaking uncontrollably, but he looked at Arthur with kind eyes. “It’s alright. I know how much you cared about her.”

Arthur still felt guilty but he nodded at Merlin. “Thank you.” Arthur rubbed his arm up and down Merlin’s. He looked at Merlin’s face closely. He took in Merlin’s damp hair, the fringe falling into his eyes. When he looked at Merlin’s lips, he started to become alarmed. While Merlin’s lips weren’t exactly blue, it was close enough - too close. He rushed quicker toward his car. “We need to get you inside.”

~*~

By the time they made it back to Arthur’s, he was glad to see some more color in Merlin’s face and he was starting to sweat. The sweat might have had something to do with Arthur’s speed racing to get them home. When Arthur opened the passenger door, Merlin was clutching the dashboard and looked more frightened than when he spotted Arthur at the cemetery.

Arthur ushered Merlin quickly inside. Merlin was still shivering somewhat violently. 

“Get out of those clothes.” Arthur ordered as he went to the kitchen to put the kettle on the stove.

“What?!” Merlin shouted with surprise and embarrassment.

“You need to get warmed up. You need to get in the shower.”

When Arthur came back into the living room, Merlin was struggling to remove his shirt. 

Merlin looked down sheepishly and wiggled his fingers. “My fingers are still a bit numb.”

Arthur just stared at Merlin. He’d never felt so awkward around Merlin. He’d been around him without a shirt plenty of times, but now that he knew how Merlin felt about him, it felt different.

“Uh, come on.” Arthur took Merlin’s clammy hand and dragged Merlin to the bathroom in his bedroom upstairs. 

He started the shower, setting the temperature as hot as it could get. Steam soon quickly filled the room.

Arthur cleared his throat as he got closer to Merlin. He started to unbutton Merlin’s shirt. He looked up furtively at Merlin. Merlin couldn’t meet his eyes. Merlin kept backing away the closer Arthur got. It made it difficult to unbutton his shirt.

“Bollocks to this.” Arthur muttered. He stopped unbuttoning the shirt and moved his hands to the hem of Merlin’s shirt and ripped it over his head. 

Merlin looked a bit startled and bit his lip.

“Sorry.” Arthur said. He stepped back and kept glancing down at Merlin’s pants.

Merlin finally saw what Arthur was looking at and gulped. He flexed his fingers. “I think I’m getting feeling back in my fingers. I can handle the rest.”

Arthur nodded repeatedly. “Right. Of course. I’ll check on your tea.”

Before Arthur could leave, Merlin’s timid voice stopped him. 

“Did you-were you at the cemetery long?” Merlin finally spit out.

Arthur didn’t turn around and gripped the edge of the door hard. “Not very long.” He looked over his shoulder to Merlin. He hated lying to Merlin, but he still couldn’t figure out what to say, or what he was feeling right now. He needed some time to think. “Get in the shower. I’ll put some clothes for you on my bed.”

He walked away and was shaking as much as Merlin had been. After picking out some clothes for Merlin to wear, he got down to the kitchen and tried to pour Merlin a cup of tea, but spilled some on his hand. “Fuck!” He set down the cup and put his hand over his eyes.

How could he not see what Merlin was feeling all this time? Merlin sounded like he had been in such pain for so long. Arthur was supposed to be his best friend and didn’t see it. Or did he? Arthur was starting to think that he had been willfully ignoring any signs because he just wasn’t ready to handle what Merlin was feeling. He wasn’t ready to deal with how he was feeling.

He thought about everything Merlin had said at the cemetery and one thing kept repeating over and over. Merlin wasn’t the only one who was scared. No matter what he said their friendship would be forever altered. He’d spent so much time ignoring these feelings; he had no idea how to broach the subject. 

Arthur was nervous and while he didn’t know the exact right words to say, he knew he had to say something. He couldn’t let Merlin bear this pain any longer.

“Arthur?”

Arthur whirled around and saw Merlin standing awkwardly in Arthur’s long sleeved white sweatshirt and grey sweatpants. He somehow made even that look good. But he was still shaking a little and was hugging his arms to his chest and rubbing his hands over his arms.

Arthur picked up the cup of tea and put it in Merlin’s hands. He headed back up to his bedroom.

“I’m feeling better now.” Merlin called up to him. 

Arthur came back down with a few thick blankets. 

Merlin continued. “If you want, you can still go to your party.”

Arthur brought Merlin over to his black leather couch in the living room and sat him down.

“I’m sure…” Merlin faltered when he saw Arthur take off his suit jacket. “I’m sure Vivian’s gotten bored waiting for you and found some other man to attach herself to. You know, despite what you think you’re not God’s gift to women. She can get over you.”

Arthur sat down next to him and put the blankets around both of them. He put his arm around Merlin.

Merlin immediately tensed up. “What are you doing?”

“You need to warm up. They can hear your teeth chattering in America.” Arthur said as he stroked his arm up Merlin’s arm.

“I’m fine, Arthur. I’m not an invalid. I don’t need you to baby-sit me. I suppose I should be grateful that you haven’t taken your shirt off, though I’m astonished you could passed up the chance.”

“Merlin?”

“Hmm?” Merlin said as he looked down at the floor.

Arthur looked into his eyes and spoke as gently as possible. “Shut up.” 

Merlin just gulped and stopped talking.

Arthur could see through Merlin’s teasing and deflections. It was so obvious to him now. They spent a few moments in awkward silence. Arthur could hear how heavily Merlin was breathing. He could also feel how fast his pulse was racing. If he didn’t say something soon, he knew he would chicken out forever.

“I never hated you.” He blurted out.

Merlin turned to him and narrowed his eyes in confusion. “What?”

Arthur almost slapped his forehead. That kept out so much weirder than it sounded in his head. “I mean when we were kids. I never hated you. I made it seem like I did, but I didn’t.”

“You mean you always kick people when you first meet them?” Merlin smiled.

Arthur remembered their first meeting. They were eight and at Hamley’s toy store. Arthur had his eye on a beautiful wooden horse. Before he could get his hands on it, an unkempt big-eared little boy got to it first. Knowing Merlin even then, if Arthur had been nice and simply asked if he could have it instead, Merlin would have gladly given it to him. But asking for things wasn’t Arthur’s style.

He insulted Merlin first. He insisted that a “street urchin” like Merlin couldn’t even afford the toy. When insults clearly weren’t working, Arthur had kicked him. Somehow, after their parents got everything sorted - neither boy ended up getting the toy - they ended up talking and Hunith got a job working in Uther’s kitchen.

It wasn’t an easy road, but the boys put aside their differences and became the best of friends.

“I insist that if you’d just been reasonable, I wouldn’t have had to do that.” Arthur claimed. He tried to hide the grin on his face. Merlin and he had been having this same “fight” for years.

“My mother had saved up to let me buy anything I wanted. I wasn’t going to let a spoiled, _violent_ prat get his way.”

Arthur finally let the grin slowly spread across his face. “You never were afraid to stand up to me. I think that’s why I pushed you so hard. I always admired that about you. But I didn’t want you to know that, so I pretended that I didn’t like you.”

Merlin returned his grin. “I know and I know you never hated me. I don’t think kids that age can really hate anyone. Though, I’m not sure you were ever aware you were a kid. You acted more like a forty year old in an eight year old’s body.”

“My father trained me well.” Arthur said in a tight voice. 

Merlin glanced over at Arthur. “He’s not all bad. If he never gave my mum that job we never would have become friends.”

Arthur loved that Merlin could always see the good in people. “I think my father really liked your mother. I think it was impossible not to like your mother. I think that’s why you’re the only house that I ever got to spend the night in.” Arthur sighed. He spoke with a bit of fondness and melancholy. “I loved being at your house. It was just the two of you, but it felt like a real home. You and Hunith talked, you laughed. There was hardly any silence, which I thought might drive me mad at first, but I liked it. The silence at my house could be suffocating.” Arthur smiled. “And your mother was always so kind to me.”

Merlin put his hand on Arthur’s knee. “She loved you like you were her own.”

Arthur looked up and closed his eyes. “I know. I wasn’t always good at letting her know how much I appreciated that. I think the more I was around her, the more I missed my mother.”

Merlin didn’t say anything, but started to rub his hand atop Arthur’s thigh.

“I started to ask my father more questions about that and he did not appreciate that at all. I had to stop or he wouldn’t have let me come over your house anymore.” Arthur explained.

“I’ve always felt so sorry for your father. He clearly loved your mother very much. But the way he refuses to talk to you about her isn’t right. I’ve always had a half a mind to let him know how I feel about that. But then the other half of my mind came to its senses and remembered how scary your father was.” Merlin chuckled slightly.

“Still is.” Arthur said softly. He unconsciously wrapped his arm tighter around Merlin.

Merlin looked down at his arm. “Why are you still so scared of him?”

Arthur’s breath quickened and he looked away.

“You’re an adult now, Arthur.” Merlin persisted. “You’re allowed to stand up to him.”

Arthur pursed his lips tightly. Finally, he sighed. “I wish.”

Merlin quirked his eyebrow up and looked at Arthur with an unspoken question in his eyes.

Arthur twisted around a little to look at Merlin. “Do you remember that night, it was about eight years ago, I came unexpectedly to your house in the middle of the night.”

Merlin’s eyes immediately clouded over and he looked upset. “It wasn’t the middle of the night. It was four in the morning. I’ve never seen you look so lost. Your eyes looked dead.” He shuddered. “And you wouldn’t tell me what happened.”

“It was because my father threatened to cut me off.”

“What?” Merlin exclaimed. “Why would he do that?”

It was now or never. Arthur thought of all of the wonderful things Arthur said about him at his mother’s grave and it gave him the confidence to speak. “It was because I told him that I was gay.”

Merlin didn’t say anything at all. It seemed like he stopped breathing. He just blinked at Arthur. “You’re…”

“I’m gay, Merlin.” Arthur said with more strength. He put a hand to his chest. It really wasn’t an exaggeration to say it felt like a two ton weight had been lifted off his chest. He continued on. He wanted to get it all out. “I wanted my father to know and I needed... I had to tell him.” Arthur’s chin trembled as he remembered the look on Uther’s face. “He said that being gay was a perversion and that it wasn’t natural. He said I had to be strong to fight it. I said I didn’t think I could or that I wanted to. And without missing a beat, he said that I had a choice to make. I could give in to my twisted feelings or I could remain a part of my family and have the future that he’d always wanted for me.”

Merlin’s features twisted in anger. Arthur could practically feel his anger radiating off of him.

“I wanted to stand up for myself. I wanted to finally be free. But I couldn’t take the way he was looking at me. So I gave in. I promised that I would be better and I went to my room, threw up, and went to your house.”

Merlin ran his hand through Arthur’s hair gently. “Arthur, I’m so sorry that you had to go through that.”

Arthur wanted to turn his head and feel Merlin’s hand against his cheek, but all the feelings from that night came rushing back. He backed away from Merlin. “I hate that I was so afraid. I never told you what happened because I was afraid that you would hate me.”

Merlin gaped at him in shock. “Arthur! Why would you think that?”

Arthur angrily wiped at a tear in the corner of his eye. “You’ve always been so brave, Merlin. You’ve never been afraid to be who you are…” Merlin looked down at the floor. “I felt ashamed that I couldn’t be like you.”

Merlin briefly touched Arthur’s chin and turned Arthur’s face towards him. “I’m not always that brave, Arthur. I know what it’s like to be that scared. I could never hate you for that. I could never hate you, period.”

Arthur sniffed. “Your mother said the same thing. I told her what happened and when I broke down and cried she held me and she said that she was proud of me and that you would be, too. She said that one day I’d be able to get away from my father and move myself the way that you loved me and the way that she did.”

Merlin smiled as his eyes welled up. He just nodded. That was his mother and it clearly didn’t surprise him in the least.

“I kind of slipped for the first time and I called her mom. I apologized like a daft idiot over and over, but your mother just smiled. And even though I never called her that again, it felt right.”

Merlin took Arthur’s hands in his and squeezed. They shared a smile as they both thought of Hunith. They both missed her so much, but realized how lucky they were to have her for as long as they did.

Merlin still shook his head and looked at Arthur with sadness. “I can’t believe you’ve been living with this all alone for so long. I wish you could have told me.”

Arthur shifted closer to Merlin and put his arm back around him. Merlin was clearly feeling better, but Arthur missed sharing his warmth and getting to touch him so freely. He also needed Merlin’s strength for what he was about to admit. “It wasn’t easy playing the part of Arthur, Pendragon heir and playboy. But I did what I had to.”

Merlin sighed. “I guess I know why none of your relationships worked out.”

“Yes, the relationships didn’t work out because I’m gay and...because I could never commit to anyone else when I was already in love with someone.”

Merlin’s brow furrowed and he cocked his head to the side. “You’re in love with someone?” 

Arthur hated the hurt in Merlin’s voice, but he almost couldn’t help but laugh at the cute pout on Merlin’s mouth. 

Arthur nodded. “He’s beautiful, funny, smart, and compassionate. He makes me laugh even when I don’t want to. He listens to me no matter what. He stands up to me…” 

Merlin had lowered his head and Arthur leaned down to try and catch Merlin’s eye. He hoped Merlin was starting to pick up on what he was trying to say.

“And I’ve known him since I was eight years old.” Arthur finished.

Arthur could see the wheels turn in Merlin’s head. He slowly looked up at Arthur. “Are you saying what I think you are?”

Arthur’s smile spread slowly. “Yes. I’m in love with you.”

Merlin stood up and stumbled backwards. “No.” 

That was certainly not the reaction that Arthur had envisioned. He stood up and followed Merlin. “Merlin?”

Merlin turned his back on Arthur. “You heard me, didn’t you?” He paused. “At the cemetery tonight. You heard me say that I’m in love with you.”

Arthur gulped and whispered. “Yes. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you before, but yes.”

Merlin whirled around. “So what is this, pity? You feel sorry for me, so you’re telling me what I want to hear?”

Arthur shook his head almost violently and stepped closer to Merlin. “No! Merlin everything I said before is true. You mean the world to me. The reason I told my father all those years ago that I was gay is because I finally wanted to tell you and see if there was a chance for us. I wanted to be with you then and I still do. The only thing that’s made living this lie bearable is that no matter what I still got to be with the person I loved. It wasn’t the relationship I wanted, but having you close to me for all this time has meant everything to me.”

A tear fell down Merlin’s face.

Arthur stepped forward and was close enough to pull Merlin into his arms. It took everything in him not to do that right now.

“Why are you telling me this now?” Merlin’s voice trembled.

“Because I heard you tell your mother that you wanted to stop loving me. And that scared me, it scared me more than my father, more than anything else ever has because I know you, Merlin. I’m quite sure in time that you could find someone to love. You could find someone who doesn’t annoy you on a daily basis. Someone whose father doesn’t make Hannibal Lecter look like a warmer potential in-law.”

Merlin smiled through his tears.

“But Merlin…” He was so close now that they were nose to nose. He cradled Merlin’s cheek and Merlin’s lips parted. “I know that I could never be alright without you. I’ve loved you my entire life and that’s not going to change. I don’t want you to let me go.”

As tears streamed down Merlin’s face, he held Arthur’s face in his hands. He laughed and threw his arms around Arthur’s neck.

Arthur melted into the embrace and wrapped Merlin up in his arms. “I won’t. I promise.”

Arthur caressed the back of Merlin’s head and closed his eyes. 

Merlin pulled away. “I’m not dreaming, am I?”

Arthur threw his head back and laughed. “No, you daft sod, you’re not dreaming.”

Merlin shook his head. “I definitely know I’m not dreaming. You’re much nicer in my dreams.”

Arthur grinned. He briefly touched his forehead to Merlin’s. He looked into Merlin’s eyes and stroked a few fingers next to Merlin’s mouth. “Am I kissing you in any of these dreams?”

Merlin just licked his lips and Arthur didn’t wait for a response before kissing Merlin softly, their lips barely touched. 

Merlin smiled into the kiss. He pulled back a whisper’s breath away. “Always.” He replied to Arthur’s question. 

The next brush of their lips was more intense as Arthur caressed both of Merlin’s lips with his own. When Merlin ran his fingers through Arthur’s hair, Arthur deepened the kiss and poured all the years of want and longing into it.

They parted after a few minutes with the desperate need to breath. They gazed into each other’s eyes and Arthur knew he would never tire of finally seeing the love he’d always felt reflected in Merlin’s blue eyes.

Merlin put his arms around Arthur’s neck. “Arthur, can I ask you a favor?”

“Anything.”

There was a wicked gleam in Merlin’s eyes. “I get to tell Uther.”

Arthur threw his head back and cackled. When he looked back down at Merlin he thought it shouldn’t be possible to be this happy and this in love. But he thought they both earned it. “Let’s do it together.”

Merlin nodded. “Deal.”

Arthur only wished that Hunith was still alive to see this. Arthur knew that she would be happy, and proud, of both of them. This is what she always wanted. They became friends because of her and now, in a way, they were finally able to have this moment because of her. 

It made Arthur smile to think that no matter what Hunith would always be guiding their lives in some way. He wouldn’t want it any other way.


End file.
